I'm slowly dying

Well, not really...

Depression is a bitch.

Yeah I am depressed at the moment, for a couple of reasons, lets start naming them, shall we?
1. I have no job(keep remembering that I am in london)
2. I have no money.
3. Everything is looking for the worse at the moment.

Yeah thats basically it. The man who said money is not everything wasn't jobless and pennyless in london. Sure money isn't EVERYTHING, but it can surely make your life on helluva bit better.

My options at this stage.

Going back to South Africa. Holding on to the bitter end and if it doesn't look good then go back to South Africa. Let's explore these options.

Going back to South Africa - Meaning that I am a Fucking failure, a loser, a dropout, a wuss, I could come up with more names, but I am too tired to think of anymore. Then there is the NO JOBS in South Africa bit. Sure I could become a waiter and earn lets say R500 a week. But the thing is that I will be living with my parents, I dont really want to do that, after living on my own for about one year. If I go back now, I will be even more depressed.

Option number 2 Holding on to the bitter end and if it doesn't look good then go back to South Africa - This is the more viable option for obvious reasons, yeah sure I will still be a fucking failure, loser etc. But I will be a lesser one. If I hold out, then I might get a better job here in london, and I can continue with some of my afore mentioned dreams i.e the ROCK STAR, seeing OzzY Osbourne live, going to the big premiere of Star Wars episode 3 etc. There is also a potential girlfriend on the horizon at the moment, and if I leave now, I would kick myself if I didn't explore that option.

So I guess I am doing option number 2, I have got some money coming in, from the medical trials and some for the little amount of general labour that I did.

There must be hope somewhere.

The stroke of bad luck that I had lately can't really continue on forever, otherwise the power that be has a very strange sense of humour. So I guess, no, I know there should be a 'silver' lining somewhere out there between the humourless buildings of London.

Information for the uninformed.

I still can't shake this feeling of immense dread whenever I am thinking of going back home, there's nothing back there for me jobwise, and I sure as hell don't want to go back to my hometown, south africa is complicated, it is a third world country with a couple of first world cities, I would like to go live in one of them, Cape Town more specifically.
And if I should go back home now, I will become something that I have always been afraid of, I would stagnate in Bloemfontein, and eventually rot.

Any comments/suggestions? Place them here, or email me at shsteyn@yahoo.co.uk, or the default one of darkhumor@webmail.co.za.

rocknroll
leras